...many of us are drowning in our dating lives. Instead of cautiously wading out into the water, we have plunged right into the deep end of the dating pool and are experiencing unpredictable currents. What we thought was going to be a safe and leisurely swim has become a life-or-death situation.
If we are honest with ourselves, most of us need little orange floaties on our arms when it comes to romance...We have trouble navigating the rough waters of life on our own much less diving in after someone else who is drowning.
Second only to accepting Christ as your Savior and Lord, choosing the right person to marry is critically important. If you choose unwisely, the rest of your life will be like swimming with cement shoes--you'll fight and struggle and go down slowly, or you'll accept the unbearable dead weight of your partner and sink quickly. When it comes to love and marriage, God desires nothing more than for each one of us to be equally yoked, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically. And in His infinite wisdom, He has shown us how to choose a soul mate by looking for Godly Characteristics, Personal Qualities, and the infamous, indescribable X-Factor.
Great Things versus God Things (Godly Characteristics)
I had been focusing on things of earthly value and had ignored the things of eternal value. I had been enamored with the beauty and decoration of the house, and I had paid no attention to the foundation whatsoever. I was trying to build a marriage and a life on a shaky foundation.
...I was so in love with the idea of being in love that I ignored all the warning signs. It wasn't until the current dragged me under that I realized I would never be able to breathe in the relationship.
Most of us have dated or are dating the wrong person. For many believers, the only criterion for dating is whether or not he is a Christian... We don't even care if he is actually walking with the Savior; we just want him to walk into church. That will give us enough justification for spending Friday nights making out with him.
Our choices have absolutely nothing to do with character. They have everything to do with appearance.
If you want to have a successful relationship, it all starts with looking for Godly Characteristics... these are simply the fruit of the Spirit recorded in the book of Galatians... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If the person you are dating doesn't exhibit all of them, not just one or two--I mean, who wants a man who is good but has no self-control?!--eject immediately!
Please don't expect the fruit to be fully developed in anybody's life...But these characteristics do need to be present in the life of a person with whom you are thinking of sharing your heart.
A good way to test whether the person you are dating is a possible mate is to put his or her name in front of each aspect of the fruit of the Spirit. For example, Rob is loving, Rob is joyful, Rob is peaceful, Rob is patient, etc. Unless there is an indication that there is fruit growing in every category, he is not marriage material. Be honest with yourself.
Every person walking the face of this planet, whether they admit it or not, was designed specifically to reflect all of God's characteristics. If they don't, it is because they choose not to, and you deserve someone better than that.
Most important, make sure that you exhibit the complete fruit of the Spirit. If you don't, then the problem is not with the people you date, it is with you.
Perfect Imperfections (Personal Qualities)
While it is important to date someone who has unique qualities that you are attracted to, human qualities should never, ever supersede Godly Characteristics.
If you have been to a relationship conference or read any book on romance, you have been encouraged to write down all the Personal Qualities you want in a significant other.
If you have one of these Must-Have lists next to your bed or stuffed away in your Bible, I want you to take it out, walk it to the bathroom, and flush it. Or burn it. Or tear it into little pieces and use it as confetti. You don't need it anymore...The list may reflect what you want, but there is a good chance that it has very little to do with what you actually need.
[God] sees what we want, but then He goes one step further to provide what we need... When we list the qualities we want in a mate, we are telling God that we know what is best for us.
Whether it is on paper or just in your head, destroy the list as quickly as possible. The good stuff never makes the list anyway. I like to refer to the good stuff as perfect imperfections.
Farting in your sleep. Sneezing like a hyena. Snorting when you laugh. Crying at coffee commercials. Never eating the ends of chicken tenders. Constantly rearranging the pantry. These are the things that make memories. They are perfect imperfections, and you would never think about including them on a Must-Have list. But they are the good stuff.
Relationships are often defined not by what you put into them, but by what you keep out of them. While the qualities you need in a partner might not be so clear to you, God makes it exceptionally clear what you don't need.... A Must-Not-Have list, which should be aligned with God's principles, not your own personal preferences, will remind you that no number of great personal virtues can outweigh a few life-threatening vices.
If you overlook the wrong personal traits in your partner, you'll be wearing the most fashionable cement Nikes at the bottom of the pool.
Peanut-Butter-and-Jelly Relationships (The X-Factor)
Godly relationships are like peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. Each person complements the other.
When I talk about being "equally yoked" in a romantic relationship, I'm referring to the ability to complement one another and to lift one another up.
I often hear Christians say that they can't find someone who is equally yoked, suggesting that others aren't as spiritually mature or as enlightened as they are. This attitude is arrogant and shows that the speaker has all the faith and intelligence of Spam... it is not about who is greater or lesser, but about whether or not the two of you complement one another. Can you and your partner believe more, accomplish more, encourage more, and love more together than you can separately?
God intended for us to be equally yoked spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically. While order is important, it is just as important that you are compatible in all four categories.
The intersection of these four attributes is hard to measure, and most of the time we simply refer to it as "chemistry" or the mysterious X-Factor.
When the infamous X-Factor is present, there will be an undeniable chemistry, and you will feel your spirit move inside of you.
The X-Factor is the place where the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, and physical attributes intersect. X is the Greek letter for Chi, which properly translated means "Christ." In essence, Christ is the meeting point where the four components come together. Romantic chemistry is ultimately determined by Christ. His ways are mysterious and unexplainable, and you can't have real chemistry with a person unless all the essential elements end at the Savior. Love isn't real love unless it comes from the source--God.
CONCLUSION
If you've experienced the longest losing streak since Wile E. Coyote's, maybe it is because your past relationships haven't been built upon a shared set of Godly Characteristics... Once an unshakable foundation is poured, you can decide which Personal Qualities you desire in a possible spouse... Whatever you decide it is always wise to leave room for the unexpected--the good stuff. Because in reality, God knows our hearts better than we do and wants to bless us with a romance full of life-long memories.
A well-trained sea monkey could be taught to follow God's principles. But if you choose to ignore them, then you'd better start searching for a lengthy snorkel and a comfortable swimsuit on eBay. Because there is a good chance that the expectations and demands of the next person you date will drag you under faster than a pair of Titantic-labeled stilettos.
